Yet..... And After.....

Something strange..... Was it me? I really yet don't know....

I love myself, and this isn't narcissism.... Not that kind of self stupidity.... But, I would call it a way of respecting myself for everything that I learned till now....

I was someone different in school. Someone who blended with the pale blue colors of my school walls. Someone who was always the last to speak up in groups. Someone who was always lonely, and that does not necessarily mean without people.

And then, one day it all changed.
Rather, went topsy-turvy.

I have always been intelligent, no denying that.... I did not get into the university of my choice, but then I almost had no choice when it was time. It was a bleak period, and I rather not remember it all, but when I do, I realized that it was that jolt of failure that shook me up.

Am a person of subtle humor. Always have been. And my close circles knew a different me than others..... Till recent times.....

And I know that I will rise above the tide, with it and far far into the skies.....

And up above it all.....


And was the past 'me' me?
If she was..... Then she is.... :)

And yes, I love myself.......

Yea... you.... As dumb as you cannot get.....

A doubt.
Are dumb people always smart?

Strange I think they are... Whatever.... I think you are....

Yes... I hope you are reading this... And you know it is you that I am talking about... In case you are in doubt... ask me....

You are smart... more than that
You are brilliant.... more than that
You are handsome.... more than that

You are dumb... no more than that....

Someday, I would like to tell you this... simply because I guess that it would be great to hear you reply...

Whatever you reply.... Just to hear you attempt....


I remember somethings... and it all hurts... more because it isn't supposed to hurt...
No... It doesn't

I was kidding..... okay?

I believe in myself.... I believe that I am smart enough for handling life... and making a SucceSS out of it.... so what if I slip .... no.... so what if I slipPED ?

I believe in you.... I believe that you can be as dumb as you are now....

But since I know you... Yes, I do.... Really, more than you think I do.....
I know that someday, when you get plain dumb, you will read this...
Once, twice, thrice....

And then you will mail me asking if it is you......

S P Lines

S p lines.....

Wondering when my design of machine elements professor will ever get to pronounce it the right way.... splines....

Hehe.... Thinking about it is funny... nice fun....

I remember the first time way back in third semester when I was sitting in the front bench in the lab... alone because am the only girl in the class.... and this particular professor came in and stood by my desk....

He started dictating notes... It was fluid mechanics laboratory and the experiment was on Turgo Impulse Turbines

"Take it down ..... Durgo Imbulse Durbine"

It was all I could do to stop stuffing my handkerchief into my mouth.... I could not even write, and he was waiting for me to finish.....

Been a year since then.... Yet I can't forget it....

Like the other time he kept staring at the energy meter in the lab and asked us..."What is the principle behind it?"

We tried answering whatever we could think up.... He stood looking at us and smiling....

Fed up, I asked him what it was.... "I don't know.... So you find out and tell me tomorrow"

All that for this?

.... Looking forward to more such stuff....

Nothing better to do

It was a boring day....

One of those dull days where I feel I haven't done anything useful..... Not that every other day I spend buying shares on Wall Street.... just that today was lonelier....

Considering that almost all guys in my class were present, I quickly rejected the fact that it wasn't a feeling that had cropped up due to sudden silence in a place.... The class were more than in their high spirits.....

Well, guess it was because I missed someone to talk to.... I wasn't conversing much today... and no one spoke to me too.... almost no one...

One of those off - spirits day...

Maybe my heroine today in my story will have a similar day too... She is on the whole a reflection of me....

Bus Fuss

I have a wish.....
But I won't tell you....
So lets not talk about it.

Fine.... Days moving.... I don't like the pace... quite slow.... but its fine....

Like I told you... Had this boring journey back all these days.... But today was interesting....

There were these junior girls sitting right behind and yapping on.... between themselves...

Since they weren't very hush hush I could listen into the conversation.... Don't blame me.... Couldn't help it and I had nothing better to do... I had even finished with the newspaper that I had taken along....

So guess what they were talking about.... hmm.... boys!

Well... Blame it on the age factor.... I would not have felt it was anything to write about... but I had to tell someone... Anyone...

I can't stand the explanation that this is the time for fun... so go ahead and have all the fun doing it... I mean flirting around and stuff....

Basically... I don't think these kind of activities are restricted by age... or by time.... You can have "fun" at 5 or 50... and raise no eyebrows in this era....

But what I don't understand is this.... You either go and flirt openly.... or at least tell that person.... or you stop thinking about them and move on....

I mean... Why the hell get around in groups and "discuss" the person?

There is this queer fact.... We always feel better talking about someone than talking to that someone.... in whatever kind of relationship we share.... It's better to say than ask....

So... on and on these girls chatted... with no point in particular... just having fun.... I agree that at one point I got bored bored sick sick ( doubling up ) and dozed off....

But then when I woke up... I guess I did not miss much.... They had got little farther on the topic....

I wanted to turn around and smile at them... I remember days when I was part of such groups... And yes, I had sometimes even liked these distractions....

But then as we grow up we grow mature too ( at least we are expected to ) , and I outgrew these long before....

And except for a close friend at college ( who has a crush on someone in my class ) I don't interfere much into people.... and their relationships....

And yes.... Those girls did eventually get down and off....

And I was left hoping that at least tomorrow morning they will discuss about their exam (!) and ..... look forwards into life ?

EX-JAMS

Well.... a very ethical day... Gawd! what kind of stories I could spin up in my ethics paper.... I really ought to be recommended from some kind of on the spot thinking prize... And yup! am being modest....

That set me thinking... Are all these exams nothing other than mere spin-a-thons?
Interestingly, there isn't much to speak on the topic... me got sick of it already....

And tomorrow.... got a dynamics of machinery exam..... I would rather prefer such papers than these theory kind of things that you get to have to write write and write on for hours together.....

And at the end you and the one who corrects that stuff can only sigh.... you happy at having finished with writing crap and them at having finished with marking crap.....

But there is something about exams that is fun... the silence of those couple of hours... in that long forever stretching hall... the sound of those papers fluttering in the wind.... the sound of pens and pencils falling down occasionally.... some dozing off.... maybe disturbed dreams....

Whatever.... exam halls are real intriguing places to be.... though only occasionally!!

Bugged Beyond Belief

Hey that was a nice topic .... I kinda can find cheer that I can still think up stuff in times like these.....

But then, thats what the last week has been .... real bugging...

I got sick and ill and had to stay back home, away from college....not that I love going to college anyway....but still 3 days doing absolutely nothing was mind blowingly insane.....

Come to think of it.... I was pleased to be staying back away from that real tedious journey to and fro from college.... takes me a round 12 hours to get back home after I leave in the morning... sickening,yes....

And then I went back the fourth day to find that there was this real big workload to catch up on.... And I still haven't even started on it.....

Met Karz the other day.... The last of those three days.... Wow... It was nice.... She dropped by to check if I was fine and well.... It was like the good old times again.... Chatting away about everything meaningless.... only thing was that this time... we spoke about a little of everything in life... and I realized that it was all kind of meaningful.... hmm.... in the fag end....

And after she left, I realized that we had after all spent a long long part of the past over things so silly... and I laughed for a long time after.....

Maybe they weren't silly at all....

Anyways.... Spent a sick week.... And am looking forward to something better this time round.... Hoping... Looking up at the skies.....

For the sake of it all....

Am bored.... of everything..... bingo!

Actually thats our favorite word... mine and my best friend's..... bingo!

Why am I talking this stuff here? I have nothing better to do.... And would rather do this than try and sleep.....

Now am actually sleepy.... but not yet ready to hit the sack.... kind of some nervous tension.... wonder why.... wonder whether I will ever have the kind of peace that people who meditate regularly claim to experience.....

Actually, I have tried... meditating.... keeping quiet and gazing into nothingness..... but it didn't work..... nothing did ..... I mean I always have this inner restlessness that is real frustrating...

But it keeps me going....

I love to keep talking.... But when I do say what I want to say.. people look at me like am crazy....

I always was a queer kind of person..... maybe i can call myself abstract....

Sometime..... I realized that the only person who can put up with me is myself.... and so I started thinking too much and talking lesser.....

This way, I could explore a lot more than I could ever have done had I been interacting with someone else.....

But, someday, I am sure I will meet that someone with whom I can talk and yap and cry and laugh and be myself..... and take some of the inner tenseness out of me......

It could be anyone.... male female.... old young...whatever...whomever....

Till then I keep myself company.... and smile for everyone else......

Why the world is headed to the World's End

Hey, it's simple... Don't tell me you never thought about all this......

The world is headed to the dogs
The world has gone crass and is full of crap stuff
The world is headed to its end.....

And the other half....

Everything is brighter
The world is shining (:P)
We are going to head to many more such Earth's.... and grow more superior (!)

Sick.....

I would kindly request everyone to leave the world as it is... and bother about more down to earth (pun intended) stuff and live as much as they can in this little little span of life.....

Any of you there who is disgusted by what you are facing each day.... please join the club....

I really can't understand how certain things have become accepted facts in here....
> Education is sold.... the higher the bidder... the better the course....... the better the score.... the better the future!
> More the willingness to pay.... better the treatments in hospitals and health centers .....
> If you can spare money.... maybe you can have better vacation packages and better access to hotels and resorts.....
> If you can deposit(!!) money in the institution you are guaranteed a job... irrespective of whether you graduate or you don't
> If you have a higher bank balance and a plum job then you are eligible to get a better life partner.... whether you will like them or not.... ofcourse you are free to have any illicit affair later.... as long as you have money.....
> Maybe if you donate more to temple trusts... you can have a special close and earlier interaction with God... who will supposedly shower you with "prasadams" and blessings that the idiot masses can't easily deserve....
> Maybe if you can specify your social standing in society, you can claim certain advantages and pleasures that not everyone is eligible to.....

Bah!...... can it all get dirtier?

And you commit a crime..... no problemo! ... you can wriggle through it all.... Money speaks after all..... Else, even if you can't get out without a prison stint.... you still get sentences reduced and "A"class prison cells.....


World's End...... Money will speak as long as you can't shout over it..... someday when someone does.....

A Lazy Sunday..... And Rush Hour

(Mail supposed to have hit the blogs on Sunday.... but happening only today......)

Yet another Sunday.... Woke up too early and then shot back into bed... then woke up too late for classes....
Stayed back home, much to the disapproval of my parents.... Come on, cutting on a C# class isn't a sin.... so long as I catch up later.... I smile.... And then frown..... Nothing worthwhile to do.....
Checked mails... nothing interesting in there....
Read the newspaper.... too much trivia and too less real news.... World's changing....
Been more than 2 decades that I have been around here and now, out of a jolt, I realize that things are changing??!?
Too much concentration on fashion and frolic....
I remember... just a week back.... I had this India Today edition in my hand and was sitting shocked.... on finding that the cosmetic market is now targeting the age groups between 12 and 18.... teens.... adolescents.... kids???
A wee little fear arose.... did that mean that really kids were into all that stuff that was said to be in there already?
Why would any sensible parent allow a kid as young as 12 to go in for laser hair removal? liposuction? facials? manicure? (man this had me baffled!) and plastic surgery?
What are we raising here?.... kids or miniature models?

Then it hit me.... yes, they were all models.... young ones.... actors.... at this age.... and it gave them a high to undergo these and get money and go more tech savvy and fashionable out into the streets.... headed to.....

Headed to nowhere?

And what happened to the kind of childhood that a decade back we had??

I can imagine what is going to happen next..... Everything is going to change.....

But what I can't predict is what the change is going to be.......

A start and an unseen end

Me becoming blog-o-maniac by my standards...... Wonder why I get these huge urges to blog... to sound off.... to pen down...... to type out long and short, crazy and creative (ugh!) and sick and sensitive stuff......

It started this way..... I was messaging people crazy stuff.... like why God needn't exist... rather proof as to why He (She) didn't exist.... and all the while... somewhere in the back of my crazy brain I was doodling with the idea that maybe if I got to rant off on this I could get clearer stuff into my brain and maybe at the end of it go satisfied and calm?? (chances in such cases with me are that I will get some other crazy moby-dick idea and rave on that)

Anyway, am taking the chance....

Infinite mystery..... Eternal Power...... Infinite Calm..... Eternal Kindness.....
God.....
Gods....
Him and Her......
Them.....

In case you think am mad.... I know it... so lets get to thinking something new....

I was messaging my two great friends.... Girl and Guy (names withheld due to ..... my want to with hold it :P)

"I wanted to ask God why He is so cruel..... Before I remembered that He doesn't exist..."

I waited for them to reply...
Sometime passed.....
Then he replied..... "Umm... you are right..... God is actually only the positiveness inside a person .... that whenever we want to reach Him.... we call on the positiveness....."

(Actually these weren't the same words.... yet the meaning remains........)

After that what we messaged didn't strike me...... I was completely engulfed in a long lost memory.........

Almost the same words.... but exactly the same meaning......
Years ago..... Someone I knew.... But didn't...

"There is no one called God..... When we work hard and believe in our dreams, goals, aspirations..... then we will get what we want......"

Snob! I thought then.... but a cute one....

Now, I cant agree more.......